One of my assignments is to write about my body. Just a little free flow, whatever pops into my head kind of thing. As I start, I am thinking about how this blog is not private. I could make it private if I chose, but so far, I haven't. I haven't told anyone besides Maggie and one other friend (Hi Kimmy) about this blog, yet there are 48 pageviews. From whom? How did they find their way here? Are they coming back? Do I know any of them? Those things are in the back of my mind as I start to type and I just wanted to mention that as it will not alter what I write but it may alter how I feel as I write it.
I do believe I have written you to before. Odd as it may sound, this is not my first letter to you. I believe I wrote to you either as my father was dying or shortly there after. Or maybe I wrote ABOUT you to my Dad, something like that. I have such a love/hate relationship with you. There are plenty of things I really love about you. You have a really great shape and great proportions. When you gain weight, you gain it all over which I think is one of your best features. You carry weight well I think. Strange as it may be, I think your feet are one of your most attractive features. Who gets to have pretty feet? Me. I do. I love that about you. Thanks for that. Because of that, I wear flip flops as often as I can. I also really love the way your eyelashes and are so thick and long. I don't have to wear mascara if I don't want to, and I almost never do. Also, your hair is awesome. It's thick and long and curly. When women tell me they are jealous, it's always about my hair or my eyelashes.
But that's all centered on how you LOOK. There are plenty of good things about you that have nothing to do with how you look. Like how you are strong and healthy. You get sick rarely, you have no major diseases, you get up every day and do what you are supposed to do, despite how terribly you may be treated. Despite me eating things I shouldn't, drinking alcohol which sometimes leads to a few cigarettes, despite me not moving enough or sometimes at all, you perform all of your duties as expected. You totally rock. Also, you are tall, and tall girls kick ass.
Now let's talk about how you don't rock, about how you suck, hard. You require a lot of sleep. Sometimes I think you are the equivalent of the slow kid in class. You prefer to be at rest, you don't really like hard work, while you seem to be built well; easily capable of being an athlete, able to master most physical tasks with little difficulty, you'd rather take a nap. You store up fat like a bear about to hibernate. You are not inclined to be a real go getter. Maybe if you were, your metabolism would be faster and you would burn what you take in easier, maybe you would be more driven to compete, maybe you would TEAR SHIT UP on a daily basis instead of always having to be talked into every single workout.
I hate how you feel at the weight you are at now, pretty close to the heaviest you've ever been. I hate the way bras feel, I hate that there is fat UNDER your arms. What the fuck is THAT? I hate how every waistband feels. I hate your double chin, the way you don't have one of those long marvelous necks with a defined jawline, how all your skin on your face is just starting to..............sag. I mostly just hate how uncomfortable I am IN you.
I really wish I could accept and love you just as you are at whatever stage you happen to be in but I can't. I really wish that so much of my self acceptance and self love weren't wrapped up in how you look in a pair of blue jeans but they are. I would like us to be best friends really, but it seems that I am never satisfied with you. Sorry about that. I would love to be able to change that and I keep trying to, but so far I haven't been able to.
But I will tell you this. I will never stop trying. I will never accept you at this weight and I will fight forever to get you where I think you need to be. I will continue to dream of a better future for you, I will seek out whatever means necessary to try and get you there and I will never ever give up on you. Ever. I think there is a key out there somewhere that unlocks the door to your health and my happiness and I won't rest until I find it. That's a promise.
And finally, I love you. Even when I hate you, I love you and I'm so grateful for you.